Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Return of TAR

Home Shopping Network getting marcia brady'd by a melon

Last Day of Food Tour

No better way to end the gluttony than with possibly the best Brit made consumable other than beer (and everyone knows that only wine is drunk on the sabbath day)

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Jersey Food Tour 2010

Tastee Super Sub + everything bagel +

Cafe Calore pizza

Thomas Sweet blend in

= solving the Rubik's cube (non-record time likely due to continued fat person's disease)



Unfortunately missed getting a pedi from the dude with the Guinness Book of Records fingernail. At least no hiv-inducing cuticle stabbing like in Beijing.

"Being a heroin addict might be more normal." (Comic Con cohort while watching Hoarders)

"...but I'd rather be a hoarder than have a sex robot." (CCC while watching Sex Robot)

"This is the last time I'm watching this show." (CCC after watching three Hoarders episodes back-to-back)

Monday, September 13, 2010

Recipe for disaster

(hypothetical medical exam)

- height (use of an instrument that automatically subtracts .4 inches)

- weight (have patient remove necklace but not 5, possibly 15 lb, watch)

- blood pressure (after completion of above - tell patient to think "happy thoughts"; upon (not so great) results, retake in 5 min.; after (not so great) results, tell patient that bp is a little high and should retake later in the week)

- shots (tell patient about two options for immunization - pill or shot; after dangling pill offer, tell patient that it will not work with travel date; then ask patient if s/he has had bp taken again even though only a few hours have passed since last visit; (ir)regardless of answer, give shot)

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I can't believe Sookie makes $900k

'Jersey Shore's' Situation to earn $5 mil in 2010

Mike Sorrentino should change his name to "The Corporation."

As the sophomore season of MTV's pop-culture phenomenon "Jersey Shore" continues to gobble up the biggest ratings the network has seen in seven years -- answering the prayers of the many of its executives who spoke of a gloomy prognosis before the "Shore" -- breakout star Sorrentino (aka the Situation) has jumped at the opportunity to capitalize on his fame. By year's end, the 29-year-old stands to earn more than $5 million, a source familiar with his finances told THR.

Indeed, the Situation presented itself.

The reality star, who has 175,000 Twitter followers and has spawned an endless barrage of "Situation"-related puns, never has been afraid of exposure, especially on a series in which viewers would be hard-pressed to find an episode where Sorrentino doesn't take off his shirt. No word on whether all the extra activity will conflict with his "GTL" (Sorrentino has become synonymous with the "Shore's" catchphrase, which stands for gym, tanning and laundry).

Amid hefty and much-publicized salary negotiations for Season 3, the source confirmed that Sorrentino is earning close to $60,000 an episode after bonus incentives, based on ratings, and event-appearance fees from $15,000-$50,000 (which will bring him $1 million this year alone).

The New York native also has developed several products based on his much-touted six-pack: an abs-focused fitness video, "The Situation Workout," and a chewable supplement line distributed in association with GNC.

Literary ambitions? Check. Sorrentino has partnered with Gotham Books to pen his autobiography, "Here's the Situation," which the source said earned him a six-figure advance. Top-shelf liquor connection? Check. He is signing to endorse a new vodka line that boasts another six-figure payday plus partial ownership. Of course he has a "GTL" app and a rap song on iTunes. It doesn't stop: He has further endorsements with Vitamin Water and Reebok and a deal for a clothing line with Dilligaf.

Petolino also confirmed that Sorrentino might be appearing on the big screen; he has been in talks with production companies to appear in various feature projects.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

"We're not entirely sure whether the spider got away or not but there was no sign of it at the scene."

We've all had "memorable" Bank Holidays, but can they top this?

The man was summoned by his wife to deal with a spider she had seen scuttling behind the lavatory on Bank Holiday Monday. Not being able to reach it, the man decided to kill it by spraying it with the can.

It was an aerosol can and the bathroom lacked sufficient light. Solution= add cigarette lighter to the mix...

The blast was so strong it blew the man off his feet and lifted the loft door off its hinges.

The good news is that he's alive and should be in good shape for the next Bank Holiday over Christmas weekend.

Greg Gutfeld, Again...

On the upcoming anniversary of the Robbins/Sarandon rupture:

Yes, the nation mourned, indeed. It was so devastating, that I can imagine all of us remembering exactly where we were…when we first heard the news.

I was at the pharmacy getting a prescription refilled. I remember… I was so stressed out: the generic brand was cheaper, but would it stop recurrences?

How petty were my concerns! My own worries quickly washed away when my roommate Scott texted me the news: Tim and Susan…it’s over. Also: Pick up some Magnum Twisters.

And, yes, I mourned.

I imagined this is how my parents felt, back on November 22, 1963.

But, like always, our country, and our people, soldiered on. We absorbed the shock, we mourned, but we moved on.

But make no mistake…we…will…never…forget.

True Blood - Need More Pam

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Day 21 (end of the nom)

"Are you wrestling with the door?"
"I hit my head on the doorknob while drying my feet. I hate this bathroom." (Anonymous, what comes around goes around...see Day 3 blunt force trauma)

Summary of trip:
2300 miles
4.5 tanks of gas (good choice, Anonymous, in picking the Prius as your beater)
2 lbs celery (hoarded by one person)
30.25 apples
3 cupcakes
2 visits to FL
1 bottle of Domaines Ott (at five times the regular price but well worth it at FL)
2 bottles of French champagne consumed despite being in CA wine country
1 Costco sized bottle of French vodka consumed despite being in CA wine country
12 bottles of wine
2 lunch buffets (including today's visit to M to finish the vacation of gluttony strong)
1 "round" of golf (cut short due to nightfall, certainly not skill)
3 visits to the gym
1 walk outside (first and last after being called a hound)
150 hours catching up on reality TV (140 of which were spent on the Kardashians)
3 trips to the pool (suggestion for Marriott - install an outdoor TV)
3 pounds gained per person (optimistic estimate)
2 times Anonymous slept in her day outfit (but in her own bed)
1 go go dancer (and 1 lap dance to an empty chair)
1 A, B, C, and DD (guess who's the latter)
4 days until mandatory medical tests for work (*&%^#!)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Day 20

Sisters Cupcakes detour en route out of town only resulted in returning car 50 min late. Delay more likely attributed to difficult-to-eat-while-driving celery. (Anonymous, you may not want to break the sugar high next time with a pound of that "healthy" stuff - creme brûlée, cappuccino chocolate chip, and white chocolate macadamia nut hit all the major food groups.)

No place better to personally stimulate the economy, and nom nom after burning calories during a 4+ hour drive/confined space crossfit session, than Pink Taco ("where eating out never tasted so good"). Gorging (again) also brought Anonymous some luck at the tables where she beat the sole non-Asian dealer at the Hard Rock.

Day 19 Tuesday (day of productivity and continued gluttony)

(posting delayed due to gorging, again...) 

Took a break from contributing to the GDP (gluttony = consumption) by test driving convertibles in 100 degree weather. (Sorry, Anonymous, that the Prius has yet to come in a ragtop)   

Seven days here and we finally decided to play some golf (3.5 holes count): 

"I don't think we'll make the range. I haven't played golf since 06."
"We'll be fine." (Anonymous)
"When was the last time you played?"
"99." (Anonymous)
"Maybe we shouldn't go." 
"It'll be good for the blog." (Anonymous) 

"Get in your hole!" (Anonymous, presumably talking to her golf ball)

"I would like to say we're one hole down and we still have our balls." (Anonymous)

At the 2nd hole:
"Where's your ball?" (Anonymous)
"In the lake."

"We sound like a jenga truck." (sound of clubs tossing around in the golf cart, yet another reminder of the similarities between Palm Desert and Afghanistan)

After a day of exercise (golf is a sport, cheerleading is not), we accelerated our recovery by gorging at Morton's, who delayed its planned early closure for the evening as our emaciated bodies were obvious.   

Monday, September 6, 2010

Day 18 (continuation of gluttony and sloth)

After a night of gorging on bread, cheese, olives, wine, spinach artichoke dip (see Day 16) watching Kourtney and Khloe all morning, literally, aids digestion.  

Given the closure of Costco and Sisters Cupcakes, Labor day (Ramadan) actually seems to be recognized here. Fortunately Cold Stone cured our depression from the failed shopping excursion (in denial of The COD's departure), as well as Trader Joes, where our shopping list disappeared resulting in solely impulse purchases/essentials (wine, bread).  

Random remarks during gluttony:
"I'm glad that we decided we don't like the chips after we ate the whole bag."

"OMG who is that?  Why are these people always disgusting?" (Anonymous, soon-to-be-fan of Hoarders, during break in Kardashian marathon)

"I'll just do it myself." (Anonymous deciding to self-wax after falling victim to Labor Day)
"Are you sure?  Who are you, Khloe?"
"Who are you, Kourtney?  I'm going to need to drink some wine if I'm going to wax."  (Anonymous)
"I'm going to need some wine just to be in the same room."

"You'd better wax now. I have nothing for the blog."
"$&#% you - you do something for the blog." (Anonymous crashing from the ice cream sugar high)

Five minutes later:
"There's just too much surface area to cover when you only have 20 strips." (Anonymous while waxing and providing Assos fodder)

"I'm already worn out." (Anonymous)
"How many strips have you done?"
"Two." (Anonymous)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Day 17 (day of the kooch)

Brunch at Acqua Pazzo almost like FL except no presentations, no pain au lait, and no service.    

"American cheese is pre-wrapped right?" (Anonymous)
"What exactly is pre-wrapped?" (the COD) 

"That's not dessert.  That's something you eat in between a meal, and for the record it looks like Oscar (the grouch)." (the COD)

I want to be alone with my whale in the quiet pool...
"I don't want a bunch of Tweens all up in my grill while I lay there and bake." (Anonymous)

"So the Ironman is coming up. I believe I may have some kooch in there." (the COD)
"How can I not have any kooch photos?" (the COD)

"God I love the kooch. I'm in love with the kooch." (Anonymous)
"Can we clone the kooch?" (Anonymous)

"I would Snoop Dog and never look back." (Anonymous during a game of either/or)

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Day 16 (The arrival of the Cloud of Darkness)

120 degrees and sitting at the pool is conducive to digesting a night of gorging on bread, cheese, olives, wine, spinach artichoke dip.  

"You've been quiet today."   
"Because I'm concentrating on not bursting into flames." (Anonymous)

"I love my child. It's the only thing I have besides apples." (Anonymous clearly holding onto the cleanse)
"I live in Washington state. It's the state capital of apples. I should go buck wild." (Anonymous - another e.g. of cleanse withdrawal)

"My life is complete." (Anonymous eating spinach artichoke dip warmed vice cold)

No presentations at Copley's. Our waiter, (grande) Chuy, has enough on his mind with chelsea lately to remember things like the daily specials (spinach).

"I didn't like college."  (Anonymous)
"Because the cougar didn't like you back?" (The COD)

Anonymous and pronouns:
"I was scared of the cougar but I LOVED him."  (FYI his is name was Butch) (Anonymous)
"We need to just hit it early. Because then there's only one shower." (Anonymous)

Friday, September 3, 2010

Day 15 (end of the cleanse)

Return to Gluttony
"I love being in America." (Anonymous)
"I know I can't get enough of it." 

"Are these seeds on the couch?"
"Probably. I think I fell asleep eating an apple last night. I wish I was kidding but I'm not." (Anonymous)

"I can't get the sticker off your apple."
"Thats ok, I'll eat the sticker." (Anonymous)

Apple count at 12pm: 3 (Anonymous) and 1

"Lets eat lunch. F$@& this!" (Anonymous at 12:30pm)

"You know you can grab two plates" (Souplantation dude after I grabbed one empty plate for the lunch buffet, who clearly was unaware that I'm the hound and the whale is...)

"Maybe if I pee I can eat more." (Anonymous at 2:25pm)
"It didn't work." (Anonymous at 2:35pm)

"Finally I'm full." (Anonymous)

"Why are your legs so pumped?" (Vietnamese pedicure dude - translation, as english is obviously his 2nd language, 'why are your legs so fat'; translation in SoCal, 'piernas grandes.')

After mani/pedis, it's only logical to head to Costco and go buck wild.  Free samples are perfect for continuing the inflation of one's piernas grandes.  So is eating a whole loaf of bread in the car because if one waited the 5 min to drive to the hotel, it would be cold. 

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Day 14 (day 2 of cleanse)

No need to rush out when the only thing to look forward to is another day of apples.

"I don't think I'm going to get sick of apples." (Anonymous - 11:14am)

"I need to eat another apple. I'm about to pass out." (Anonymous - 11:54am)

Apple count as of 1pm: 3 (Anonymous) and 1

Random rantings while shopping at the outlets:
"I hate you." (Anonymous immediately after dropping apple while trying to multitask clothes browsing.  Assume anger was directed at the apple and not me as I did nothing.)
"...Not that I needed the calories." (Anonymous)
"I'm so needing another apple right now."  (Anonymous showing signs of cleanse induced mood swings.)

"I hate this store." (Anonymous)
"Because I dropped my apple and that's all I have." (Anonymous)

Apple count as of 4pm: 3.25 (Anonymous) and 2

Announcements at the cabazon outlets are in both English and Chinese. I may/may not have heard them say dumplings. (Cleanse-induced delirium.)

Apple count as of 7pm: 5.25 (Anonymous) and 2

Apple count as of 8:30pm: 8.25 (Anonymous) and 3

Great marketing of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World at Comic Con because it was worse than The American (sorry George Michael). So much worse that we left and snuck into Eat, Pray, Love. Best part of the movie - Italian food.

Countdown to breaking the cleanse: 16 hours (guess who's finally sick of apples)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Day 13 (and day 1 of apple cleanse)

No sun, no sharks, and no LC at Laguna Beach. No hotel gym either but thats not conducive anyway to my attempts at becoming the next Ruby

"I feel so uncomfortable. I'm sore and I'm fat." (Anonymous)

In protest of no FL, we have started an apple cleanse. Nothing but apples until another restaurant wows us with "presentations" ("courses" is so plebe)

Apple count as of 7pm: 8 (Anonymous) and 4

Apple count as of 8pm: 9 (Anonymous) and 4

"Are you sick of apples yet?"
"No." (Anonymous)...
Apple count as of 11:30pm: 10 (Anonymous) and 5

Although the new Clooney movie The American was boring as shite, his lack of eating Italian food and constant chewing of gum is proof positive that the apple cleanse is the new black.

Maxi moos in Riverside also made the travel day of starvation go by faster

Day 12 (Tuesday)

"it's nice to see people with hearty appetites." (Hooters waitress, after taking order for all you can eat wings. Must have been because most of the (male) patrons were eating salads. Good thing eating disorders are so 90s)