Saturday, May 30, 2015


Adventures in the "Off-season" (that means the muddy season, thanks bank lady at Wells Fargo who lived in Vermont!)

Editor's Note: This entry was delayed due to lack of oxygen in guest blogger.  (9000 ft elevation + exercise = wheezing and depression while contemplating lack of physical fitness.)

"The snow should melt by Monday.  It'll be 45."
"Does that mean it'll melt?"
"Yeah, dude.  32 degrees is freezing.  Didn't you go to Columbia?"
"I didn't study snow."
"Who doesn't know that 32 degrees is freezing?"
"We're from a different generation - it's called Google."

Spare snowboards are dumpster treasure for the homeless in Colorado.  Useful for quick getaway from the police when stealing Rosti on the slopes.

"It must be an avi otherwise it would be uniform."
"You're smarter than you look."
"Write that down."

Final score of marathon online trivia due to snow-induced boredom:
Vida: 34, You: 25.

"Why do you have the master bedroom?"
"Because I'm the master."
"The master of stupid." (Everyone likes a Sporcle gloater.)

"His youngest kid was born in 2002."
"So he's 10?" (Maybe one should have gone to Columbia to study math.  Helpful for calculations when online stalking possible dates.)

Cutting one's tongue on root beer barrels due to gluttony is good punishment for never paying one's debt of root beer barrels due to lack of celebrity trivia knowledge.

Grand lodges have grand guests.  Some like to discuss beer and bottle manufacturing for several hours and others spend several hours debating what DVD to rent from the Red Box.

More sophisticated guests use their time more wisely and indulge in a friendly (instructional?) game of pool while judging said beer symposium.  No kid, you can't play with us.

Possible kid defense: pool cues are a better alternative to finger scraping the free cookie dish for cookie crumbs.

"Look at this babbling brook."

"Dude, I've gone snowing shoeing before."

"Keep your eye out for beavers."

Long hikes sidestepping enormous moose poo piles are a good time to debate the dichotomy of abundance of moose poo but lack of moose sightings.  Too much philosophical contemplation is bad when unaware of scary dogs not on their leashes.

Sidestepping mud is easier when you are a small person with actual hiking shoes.  Or a ballerina.

"I'm light like a ballerina on my feet!"

"I hate you, dude, for introducing me to Thomas Sweet."
"But don't you want to share in my life as a ballerina?"

Little known facts about "ballerinas":
They enjoy bison burgers (only when making a face), Nutella crepes, fried pickles, mangoes (with or without chili con limon), breakfast "sangys", free cookies, French fries, and, of course, root beer barrels.

Ballerina diet of French fries feasible only when eating an entire basket.
"You don't know how we can put down fries." (Response to the second time a waiter insists on ballerina and Guest Blogger splitting a basket of fries.)

Ballerinas are entertained by funny Tinder profiles found only in Colorado (hilarity almost makes up for all the mud).

Impromptu homeless person art exhibit (grocery cart not included, possibly
sold at Sotheby's with 1600 acre elk reserve).

Too bad ballerinas don't listen to skin advice from Sporcle trivia winners:
"You should self facial."
"How?  You need all this stuff and a steamer."
"You have a steamer. Use it."
"My clothes steamer?  It will burn my face off."
"Just hold it far away or better yet just leave it steaming in your bathroom and sit in there for a few.  I don't know why you're not down with my idea."
"Because I burned my hand on it."
"I'm not telling you to vacuum your face.  Just hold it out a ways."

Or advice on self climate control in the spring:
"I'm hot."
"Because you're wearing your chinchilla.  You look like you've been fur trapping all winter."

"Maybe the figure skaters will do a routine for us."
"Whatever. I just crop dusted them."
(Farts are good punishment for those doing triple axles in your skating path.)

"You have a goiter."
(Goiters are consequences of concentrating on said triple axles and gas instead of one's own skating.  Possible defense: temporary distraction due to mind numbing repeat playing of The Simpsons theme song.)

"Dude, I'm a genius."
"With a goiter."

Surprise!  Sneaky Loaf n Jug shows up in Colorado.  Sorry, Wyoming.  Biscuits and root beer floats are better here too.

"Why do they get a million dollars?"
"Because they sold the winning Mega Millions ticket.  Dude, we're gonna put Loaf n Jug on the map!"

Even the Loaf n Jug caters to out of town Loaf n Jug lovers with severe germaphobia.  Possible future letter to be written to Loaf n Jug CEO for germ free remote controls (With Loaf n Jug logo? Yes, please!)

"Stupid pillow pieces."
"I meant puzzle pieces." (492 piece puzzles also good distraction for sophisticated guests.  Or E! Kardashian marathons.)

Runaway fox less elusive than finding root beer barrels.

This entry of GMA is brought to you by a guest author aka the winner of the Sporcle trivia marathon and the creditor to whom the aforementioned root beer barrels are owed.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Jackson Hole

(Home of Loaf & Jug, Noble Snowmen, and Mice)

"Did you see all the elk near the airport?"
"Do you think we can eat them?" (Yes but only with elephantiasis. See photo of Million Dollar Cowboy Bar below.)

"What's up with the wifi (at the Elk Country Inn)?"
"Maybe it's the lapis."
"Damn those Afghans."
(Thanks Mexican Nathan for switching our rooms since someone broke the TV and wifi with their Taliban lapis.)

"I'm gonna snowboard down the whole mountain to the street and right to Wendy's."

"Pork Neck Ragu as seen on Drivers, Diners, and Diners. I mean Drivers, Drivers, and Diners." (That'd be Diners, Drive ins and Dives.)

The Noble Pig

"We bought all healthy snackiepoos this time." (Day One)

"Salad instead of fries with the burger?" "Yes." (1200 on Day Two)
"Want to split an order of fries?" "Yes." (1210 on Day Two)

"We didn't eat most of the snackiepoos, like the vegetables and the guac." 
"Let's just leave them for Nathan." (Day Eight)

The Noble Snowman

The Noble Snowman with Scenic Backdrop

"Someone stole the noble snowman's top hat."
"You mean the trash can?"

Son of the Noble Snowman (playing hard to get).

Will you sleep in the teepee?  

"Look at the ice ball." (At The Handle Bar)
"It's like a lapis ball." (Thirty minute lapis tangents will continue until one fulfills the lapis ball quest.
"Except it doesn't cause a vortex with electronics."

"Why aren't drinks half off?"
"It's an unhappy hour.  It's where you shave instead of drink."  "In case you have a five o'clock shadow."

Possible pets of charred Mexicans in Cabo.


"That moose is a pig! He hasn't stopped eating!"

"That moose is an asshole. He won't move from behind the tree."
"Did you just call that moose an asshole?"

"What's the plural of moose?"
"No, it's not."

"Omg look at those people. They're chasing the moose.  They're moose chasers! Wait, we're borderline moose chasers." (Because keeping at a safe distance means borderline.)

Moose running from us (possible sign that we are in fact moose chasers and not just borderline). 

"Moose! And this one has antlers not like that fake one."

  Moose running away from us again because we're clearly moose chasers.

Possible real dog and fake (non antlered) moose.

"You were so busy calling that moose a pig you missed the horse cow!" (Look very closely in the herd for the horse cow, who's even more elusive in JH than in Big Sky.)

"What's that?"
"It's a furniture place."
"We can't eat furniture.""What's that elephant place? That sounds like something we'd eat."

"You had half a fatty for breakfast." (And no one's happy except for the panus.)

"Do you have any bowls to hold cereal and milk?"
"It'll hold up unless you eat the whole box."
Thanks for the advice (on the disposable nacho paper boats), Bob. Clearly you haven't eaten a whole box of anything.

Second best Loaf & Jug souvenir (after L&J cooler of course).  

"Dude look at that guy he has ice in his beard! Holy shit look at his hair - he looks like he hasn't seen the base of the mountain in weeks! Probably hasn't been back down since Burton started making snowboards."
"I don't see him."
"He's behind the water fountain."
"He's taking too long."
"Dude leave him alone.  He hasn't had a drink in years. He's prob been living off the ice in his beard.  He prob does the couloir as warm up."
"He prob thinks the couloir sucks."
"He prob thinks who takes a chair lift to a run."

No photo of Unabomber, only Corbet's Couloir, because a discussion about said Unabomber for 30 mins (15x the length of actual sighting) is much better than one picture.  

No trash cow just trash as our tram companion.

"He's wearing snowboarding boots.  We just saw a unicorn."
(No photos of unicorn.  Both Unabomber and unicorn possibly more elusive than horse cow.)

Photo of the best mullet ever though.

"I had a dream that you ran a half marathon."
"That sounds like a nightmare."
"And before you raced you went to zen out w someone playing music."
"So basically you combined my lack of exercise with the Unabomber."

"Really? You're going to drive with the balaclava?"

"You're wearing your balaclava and it's not even cold out! You're not even wearing gloves!"
"You're jely of my balaclava aren't you?"

"You were so busy talking about bison steaks that you bit it on the sidewalk."

(Non edible) bison.

(Non edible) rifle stirrers.

Buffalo bratwurst, elk filet, and filet mignon at the Million Dollar Cowboy Bar.

"Those poles look weird."
"They look like leprosy."
"That one looks like elephantiasis."

"What movie are you seeing? Are you going to eat all your popcorn?"
"Did that homeless guy just ask for our popcorn?"
"That hobo is seeing Paddington thanks God."

"Should we bring Kofi Annan to the movies?"
"No let's leave him in the car."

Kofi Annan (aka Kouign Amann)

"What's that movie about?"
"Stephen hawking. It's supposed to be really good."
"Wasn't he retarded?"
"He has palsy you asshole."

"I feel sick and I still have a Kofi Annan in my pocket."
"Do you want to save your (day old) Kofi Annan? Maybe you'll get hungry later."

"Would you like some (two day old) Kofi Annan?"

"Want to touch (three day old) Kofi Annan?"

Not a Kofi Annan (but still not for sharing with hobos).

"The windshield is so foggy I have to drive like Ace Ventura."
Photo of ace?

"What time does that market open? We should get a sandwich for the plane instead of that ghetto food they sell."

So close to a free sandwich...

"We're never going to get the free sandwich. We should give the card to Nathan. We need five more.  I'm just saying that if we eat a really early breakfast we'll need two sandwiches, one for the airport and one for the plane."
"But who's gonna eat that fifth sandwich?"
"What fifth sandwich?"
"We need a fifth to get the free one."
"Who's gonna eat six sandwiches?"
(Abridged version of conversation which actually took almost all twenty minutes of pizza wait time.)

"Do you think you're an Art 101 artist?"
"Yeah! And also Opera 101." (What happens when there's no KK on E! and only those wrestlers.)

"I missed out on the ass massage both times."
"Well if they didn't massage my ass they wouldn't have massaged anything."

Photo post colossal back plant.

Best prezzie ever.

The Karate Kid (clearly meeting up with the Unabomber, Mice, and charred Mexican pets).