Monday, January 25, 2016

Steamboat Springs, CO

Trip of accidents (vehicles and knees)

Editor's Note: This entry is the second authored by NBB.  See below for details on Editor's revenant-esque injury.  As with the Breckenridge post, the Editor takes no responsibility for any typos and ESL grammatical errors made by NBB.  

Beginning of the annual snowboard trip off to a good start with Avis employees trying to guess what's in our bags:

"Are you guys in an orchestra?"

"Are those surfboards?"

Ballerina (see Breckenridge entry for background) begins pondering out loud before we even make it to the airport whether Steamboat has bison burgers:

"Mmmm do you think they'll have bison burgers?? Mm bison burgers!
"You're going to get the meat sweats!"
"So? Bison!"
"God, you live in the meat sweats. It's like your eau de parfum."

NBB may have spent too much time in Manhattan because old lamp posts and snow banks are hard to avoid in a Kia SUV. (Editor's Note: Or maybe too much time in the Middle East, NBB.  You're in the first world now.)

Luckily, Ballerinas don't get worked up over car accidents. Or Ballerina's too concerned about eating spicy buffalo pretzel sticks to notice that driver smashed the car. (Editor's Note: No fat jokes, please, NBB.  I'm just used to saving lives.)

Car accidents make convenient introductions to local Coloradians like good looking policemen (Hi Evan N), Pygmy handymen who drive Pygmy cars, and tow truck operators named Titus.

Free rides back to the airport with Titus enlighten with little known educational wisdom about cornflour oil (can be used to run cars for racing), scatter (newest way to boil down marijuana so it's x10 stronger), former careers of tow truck drivers (sewage managers), appropriate square footage for a family of three (300 sq ft), and diversion activities for children who have no space in trailers (old Nintendo games).

Pontification by Titus also inadvertently offends passenger: "No one likes a germaphobe!" (Yes, you, Ballerina.)

Twenty fire sauce packets handy for eating Taco Bell post-snowboarding and sanitizing.

Adventures at "the bell" too numerous to count and also slightly ironic given obsession with Ronald McDonald house (more on Ronald later).

Post-snowboard trip to The Bell for the fourth consecutive day is the perfect time for discussion on The Bell's slogan:

"Dude their slogan should be Live Mas Grande!"
"I know I live mas grande!"

Missing fiery Doritos locos taco for the second day in a row due to massive size of Taco Bell order that employee can't keep straight bc she's likely on Scatter. "We are missing a Doritos taco, it went with that huge order."

Two pages of Bell coupons may be the Bell's way of making up two days of missing locos tacos.

HGTV is a good distraction while lying down in a post-taco bell coma but kidney bean pool discussions and laughter only make panus feel worse.

Open concept kitchen, granite countertops, kitchen and bath backsplash, laminate, tile, all wood, popcorn ceilings, wall to wall carpet... All EW!!

Pete the possum? Still missing in Waco Texas.

When not gorging on Taco Bell "huge orders", Ballerinas eat English muffins with butter and salami. (Not rice crackers, rice crackers are ew! Esp after large pizza lunches and a half day of boarding to go.)

Loaf N Jug makes a triumphant appearance in Steamboat but quickly overshadowed by a Steamboat original - the Kum and Go.

Excitement over Kum and Go almost better than finding the Taco Bell.

"Dude we loaded up on Kum and Go!"

Gondie rides over Ronald McDonald house better than Kum and Go discovery.

"Oh my god there is a Ronald McDonald sitting outside that house! They stole a Ronald McDonald!"

Aussie visitor corrects Ballerinas snap assumptions: "Actually that house is owned by the guy who owns the McDonald's in town."  Same Aussie who may or may not have also given misinformation about Ramrod intermediate run.

Ronald McDonald sometimes elusive due to severe weather but eventual spotting of Ronald McDonald greatly improves Ballerinas mood.

"I'm on a Ronald McDonald high!! We're going to have a good run."
"Dude, don't forget your backpack because of your Ronald McDonald high!"
"Dude, I almost forgot my backpack because of my Ronald McDonald high!!"


(Editor's Note: What could possibly beat a Ronald McDonald sitting in a chairlift on one's back porch?  A Ronald McDonald sitting in a chairlift next to an icicle stalactite.  Or maybe a snow shoveling T-Rex.)   

Severe whiteout leads NBB to ponder out loud to two townies about visibility.

"Just lean forward. It'll all work out somehow."

Townies also pipe in over Ballerina's excitement over Ronald McDonald sighting.
"Yesterday I cut two tracks to the Ronald McDonald house but I had to cross a road."

Severe weather not only conceals Ronald but also visibility through frosted windshield. "Use your glove like me. Dammit your claw is ineffective!"

When claw hand is not working - become Wolverine!! Grrrrrr 
(Editor's Note: Thanks, NBB.  Any other great advice?)

Ballerinas also love sitting on benches while doing sports. "Dude I'm on a Ronald McDonald bench high!"

"I boarded to the bench!"

"Your bench high led to you knocking down a cone!" (Editor's Note: NBB was possibly the reason behind the bench moving after said cone collision.)

Snowboarding towards a bench sometimes the only way to avoid a zombie apocalypse.

"Dude they are starbursting!"

Cowboy downhill the only acceptable form of starbursting.

Or zoo animals.

Night snowboarding likely another way to avoid zombie apocalypse but difficult to do after a Taco Bell run or if Rusty from Texas tells you you can't get a free ticket.

"We are here to get our free night skiing tickets."
"You don't get free night skiing."
"We are SVIP and it says we get a free night."
"Nope don't think you do. Hey SVIP doesn't get a free ticket for night skiing right?"
"No I don't think so."

"Thanks for leading the witness Rusty!"
"F you Rusty!"
"I'm going to write him a bad review!!"

Paul from Pennsylvania, however, gets a glowing review for steering NBB and Ballerina to Sunshine runs.

Paul from Pennsylvania also key for giving advice on scenic picnic area that supports snacking.

"I used to hide a grill up there."
"How'd you get it there?"
"Oh I used to ski with it on my back."

Large black beanie also appropriate for hiding snacks

Balaclavas look equally ridiculous but have no room for snacks.

"Look at all these Xmas lights! We never see them because we are never out at night!"

"Yeah because once the sun goes down were like mushrooms and stay in our room."

"Ew know what I hate? Feeding like birds."
"Like from mouth to mouth?"
"Ew. Yeah."
"But they are birds you don't have to do that."
"Yeah, but you know like they did in Lady in the Tramp with the spaghetti."
"That's a cartoon. And they are dogs."

Ballerinas may hate birds but they love stomach and colon medicine commercials especially if the spokesperson is a pink intestine that looks at fish (for the hundredth time Ballerina, it's Xifaxan).

Meanwhile, massive snow in and cancellation of flights two days in a row leads to marathon HGTV watching in Denver.

The Schmoopys and Kebaps become family after eleven days in Colorado.

HGTV cleverly entices marathon watchers who love pepperoni pizza. Enter the Pepperona commercial.

"Dude he's a multiple Grammy award winner!"

"Omg he's touring! He's going to Mexico!"
"Did you just look up the tour dates of the Pepperona guy?"

Ballerina keeps busy during snowstorms by checking airport Twitter feeds and watching a T Rex try to shovel snow.

Ballerina also kept busy with traumatic ACL tear after chaos in the chairlift involving NBB and zombies.

Fun body bag rides down the mountain, a bionic brace, and NBB becoming Ballerina's personal Sherpa keeps Ballerina's spirits high. (Editor's Note: For some reason NBB took NO good photos of the body bag experience, but seemed to overcompensate with photos at Target - see below.)  

(Editor's Note: Clearly this is a self portrait.)

Colorado doctors and physical therapists astute at observing Ballerina's "muscular legs" aka Popeye calves.

While injured, Ballerina also enjoys:

Size 50 paper hospital shorts;

"Dude sign my shorts!"

Super Target motorized scooters with baskets.

"It beeps like a forklift when you back up!"

Walking sticks minus bear pelt.

"I'm like the revenant!!"

Collapsible cane (not yet with sword).

"I can hit people with this!"

And free rides in wheelchairs and carts at the airport.

(Editor's note: Despite said injury possibly affecting the 2018 Winter Olympics, any appearance of Proximo is a sign of a good trip.  Pity contributions to the Rolex fund welcome - cash only please.  NO dinar or drachma, NBB, although Baymax is a good first step.)

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