Saturday, May 30, 2015


Adventures in the "Off-season" (that means the muddy season, thanks bank lady at Wells Fargo who lived in Vermont!)

Editor's Note: This entry was delayed due to lack of oxygen in guest blogger.  (9000 ft elevation + exercise = wheezing and depression while contemplating lack of physical fitness.)

"The snow should melt by Monday.  It'll be 45."
"Does that mean it'll melt?"
"Yeah, dude.  32 degrees is freezing.  Didn't you go to Columbia?"
"I didn't study snow."
"Who doesn't know that 32 degrees is freezing?"
"We're from a different generation - it's called Google."

Spare snowboards are dumpster treasure for the homeless in Colorado.  Useful for quick getaway from the police when stealing Rosti on the slopes.

"It must be an avi otherwise it would be uniform."
"You're smarter than you look."
"Write that down."

Final score of marathon online trivia due to snow-induced boredom:
Vida: 34, You: 25.

"Why do you have the master bedroom?"
"Because I'm the master."
"The master of stupid." (Everyone likes a Sporcle gloater.)

"His youngest kid was born in 2002."
"So he's 10?" (Maybe one should have gone to Columbia to study math.  Helpful for calculations when online stalking possible dates.)

Cutting one's tongue on root beer barrels due to gluttony is good punishment for never paying one's debt of root beer barrels due to lack of celebrity trivia knowledge.

Grand lodges have grand guests.  Some like to discuss beer and bottle manufacturing for several hours and others spend several hours debating what DVD to rent from the Red Box.

More sophisticated guests use their time more wisely and indulge in a friendly (instructional?) game of pool while judging said beer symposium.  No kid, you can't play with us.

Possible kid defense: pool cues are a better alternative to finger scraping the free cookie dish for cookie crumbs.

"Look at this babbling brook."

"Dude, I've gone snowing shoeing before."

"Keep your eye out for beavers."

Long hikes sidestepping enormous moose poo piles are a good time to debate the dichotomy of abundance of moose poo but lack of moose sightings.  Too much philosophical contemplation is bad when unaware of scary dogs not on their leashes.

Sidestepping mud is easier when you are a small person with actual hiking shoes.  Or a ballerina.

"I'm light like a ballerina on my feet!"

"I hate you, dude, for introducing me to Thomas Sweet."
"But don't you want to share in my life as a ballerina?"

Little known facts about "ballerinas":
They enjoy bison burgers (only when making a face), Nutella crepes, fried pickles, mangoes (with or without chili con limon), breakfast "sangys", free cookies, French fries, and, of course, root beer barrels.

Ballerina diet of French fries feasible only when eating an entire basket.
"You don't know how we can put down fries." (Response to the second time a waiter insists on ballerina and Guest Blogger splitting a basket of fries.)

Ballerinas are entertained by funny Tinder profiles found only in Colorado (hilarity almost makes up for all the mud).

Impromptu homeless person art exhibit (grocery cart not included, possibly
sold at Sotheby's with 1600 acre elk reserve).

Too bad ballerinas don't listen to skin advice from Sporcle trivia winners:
"You should self facial."
"How?  You need all this stuff and a steamer."
"You have a steamer. Use it."
"My clothes steamer?  It will burn my face off."
"Just hold it far away or better yet just leave it steaming in your bathroom and sit in there for a few.  I don't know why you're not down with my idea."
"Because I burned my hand on it."
"I'm not telling you to vacuum your face.  Just hold it out a ways."

Or advice on self climate control in the spring:
"I'm hot."
"Because you're wearing your chinchilla.  You look like you've been fur trapping all winter."

"Maybe the figure skaters will do a routine for us."
"Whatever. I just crop dusted them."
(Farts are good punishment for those doing triple axles in your skating path.)

"You have a goiter."
(Goiters are consequences of concentrating on said triple axles and gas instead of one's own skating.  Possible defense: temporary distraction due to mind numbing repeat playing of The Simpsons theme song.)

"Dude, I'm a genius."
"With a goiter."

Surprise!  Sneaky Loaf n Jug shows up in Colorado.  Sorry, Wyoming.  Biscuits and root beer floats are better here too.

"Why do they get a million dollars?"
"Because they sold the winning Mega Millions ticket.  Dude, we're gonna put Loaf n Jug on the map!"

Even the Loaf n Jug caters to out of town Loaf n Jug lovers with severe germaphobia.  Possible future letter to be written to Loaf n Jug CEO for germ free remote controls (With Loaf n Jug logo? Yes, please!)

"Stupid pillow pieces."
"I meant puzzle pieces." (492 piece puzzles also good distraction for sophisticated guests.  Or E! Kardashian marathons.)

Runaway fox less elusive than finding root beer barrels.

This entry of GMA is brought to you by a guest author aka the winner of the Sporcle trivia marathon and the creditor to whom the aforementioned root beer barrels are owed.

1 comment:

  1. I take no responsibility for any grammatical errors, typos, or run on sentences by this Guest Blogger. Thanks God her oxygen deprivation led her to believe it was a good idea to advertise that she was the author of this post. (And who had any idea she knew the word dichotomy? Must be a Sporcle answer.)