Thursday, June 5, 2014 (retorno, retorno again, and no tire basura)

Retorno only for Proximo the Gladiator.

Retorno for gen pop.

Pregaming for the trip.

"Is this bear related to you?" (Black bear enjoys repose in a hammock)

Curva Pelligrosa (free version)

Hacienda Encantada

Where smuggled knives and shisha tobacco is ok but molesting Pygmy shoes is not.

And nachos hang from one's sombrero.

There are also a lot of boobs.

"I got two rows of boobs." (Plus my finger.)

"You have enough boobs now."
"I can never have enough boobs."

"F*** the boobs."

And eggs with hatching animals, including a cow with udders, to keep guests entertained while the wifi loads.

And two pools - one with porn stars and one with friends of porn stars.


"I don't think porn stars come from Oregon." (Initial assessment after observing/staring/eavesdropping for approx one hour.)

"Look at that big bird."
"I hope it poops on her tricep."

"She has Kenny Loggins and Britney Spears on her iPod.  Maybe they are from Oregon."
"I don't know.  I don't know anyone from Oregon."

"What are the porn stars doing?"
"They're probably lubing up."
"They've been lubing up all day." (Assessment after observing/staring/eavesdropping for three hours.)

"I didn't know Oregon was code for Washington State, which is code for porn star. (Day two observation after chatting up Friends of Porn Stars at infinity pool.)

When porn stars leave the line of sight to play volleyball one needs a drink with a face.

One of the few times we didn't focus on porn stars - a guy with a bolsa de cocaine (which he didn't take to the banio).

Pirate ships good (temporary) substitute for porn star watching. 

Medano Beach

"There are too many Mexicans at this beach.  In Barbados its not like you see locals sunning themselves.  They're in the cane fields."

"Tattoos temporares happy hour?"

A different kind of enabler and possible snow cone competitor.

"I'm gonna take a picture of your coconuts.  The ones you're eating."

"Don't talk about my cocos frios."

Instead of porn stars - dudes wearing jet packs.

No bandolier of shots like at Mango Bar, but better fish tacos and The Office Rambo.

Mediocre fish tacos balanced with high speed habaneros, conga lines, and push up contests for free beers.

Old dumpy chicks whose friends should not let them dance on stage solo.  

Mas Gout

Thanks God for, supplier of our mango/strawberry fix.  

Mangoes con chili (young boy makes crack more socially palatable).  


Mangoes con chili (porn makes crack more socially palatable).  

Gluttony transfers to umbrellas too.

Apparently our new amigos also like umbrellas.

"Aren't you going to wash the strawberries?"
"I drank the water. I have goat stomach."

"Wouldn't you eat more strawberries if you had Nutella?"
"Dude, I'd eat my finger if it had Nutella."

"F the arch.  Churros are more important than the arch."

How to pass the time while someone's working their ass off in surfing lessons.

Paleo lasagna.

Ice cream with crack (mango con chile).

Zermatt poster to lull customers into thinking crack is ok especially when said users are craving churros.

Nest of gingers at Cabo Wabo.

Plaza de los Mariachis (where they sell 3 beers for $5 but no churros).

Curva pelligrosa (paid version).

If $20 buys a photo in front of the curva pelligrosa sign how much would...

Deep Conversations During KK/E! News Marathons

"We can't move this unless we move this candelabra." (In most countries this is referred to as a coat rack.)

"It's for finding hand models."
"Or hand jobs." (What happens when one can't fast forward through ads, like for the Brossein Hand Center.)

"I don't think he had enough time to fix your issues." (Someone is a disbeliever that massages can cure all.)

"Aren't you disillusioned?"

"I don't like mountain biking.  It hurts my kooka."
"It doesn't hurt my kooka.  It hurts my ass and I have a lot of cushion there.  Do you think I have meat curtains?"

New Amigos

Chiquita, Conchita, Pablo, Juan, chupacabra, chupacheve, etc.

And Fehicano (aka fake Mexican).

"We missed all the Mehicanos!  Quick get the one coming through the border!"

 "Oh God more Mehicanos - we get it."

"That protege bus almost ran us over."
"It's the dream bus."
"More like a nightmare."

Jeep y ram.

"Perfecta amiga." (Spanish for: It's good you can parallel park up a hill because you can't surf and you're only other skill seems to be eating.)

Mexican fire drill - looks even more janky because someone is shoeless.  (Maybe one shoe would've looked less suspicious since it works with snowboarding boots.)

"I'm going to retorno you.  Then you can tire basura.  And pick it up."

"Why do they always ask where we're going?"
"We're going to your mother's house."
"Casa su mama." (Someone was clearly a language major in undergrad.)

Ice cream man gas man (but Mexican not Jordanian).

Rape tunnel en route to Old Man's.

Conchita dresses.

New Friends at DFW airport to welcome us back to the States.

Previously unmet sister.

Spawn of the Protege bus.

Fringe dress.  (Someone from Cabo.  Or Jersey.  Or Rhode Island.)

Post Cabo Update

Mangoes con chili food baby lives on.

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